Funny Quotes Compilation

Best hilarious quotes & phrases from all around the world

Actual Chinese Movie Subtitles

• Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.
• Gun wounds again?
• Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.
• A normal person wouldn’t steal pituitaries.
• The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?
• Take my advice, or I’ll spank you without pants.
• Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
• I’ll fire aimlessly if you don’t come out!
• You always use violence. I should’ve ordered glutinous rice chicken.
• Beat him out of recognizable shape!
• I got knife scars more than the number of your leg’s hair!
• Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.
• How can you use my intestines as a gift?

Actual Analogies & Metaphors found in High School Essays

• Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
• His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
• She grew on him like she was a colony of E.coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
• Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
• The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
• The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
• McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
• From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
• Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
• They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.
• He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
• Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
• Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
• The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
• The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
• It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
• Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
• She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

Steven Wright

• 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
• A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
• All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
• Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
• Borrow money from pessimists — they won’t expect it back.
• Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
• Experience is something you don’t get until after you need it.
• Half the people you know are below average.
• I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
• I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
• If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
• If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
• My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
• The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
• The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
• The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
• The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
• When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
• Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

21st Century

• Our communication — Wireless
• Our dress — Topless
• Our telephone — Cordless
• Our cooking — Fireless
• Our youth — Jobless
• Our food — Fatless
• Our labor — Effortless
• Our conduct — Worthless
• Our relation — Loveless
• Our attitude — Careless
• Our feelings — Heartless
• Our politics — Shameless
• Our education — Valueless
• Our follies — Countless
• Our Arguments — Baseless
• Our leaders — Brainless
• Our Job — Thankless
• Our Salary — Very less!

Army Recruitment Posters

• Travel the world, meet interesting people… and kill them.
• Join the army… and meet the opposing army!
• 99.9% need not apply.
• Join the Navy, see the world… just remember, 70% of the world is water.

Confucius Quotes

• Man who want pretty nurse, must be patient.
• Passionate kissing like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
• Secretary not permanent fixture; still screwed on top of table.
• Man who put penis in peanut butter, is fucking nuts.
• People who put detergent in top shelf, jump for joy.
• School boy who mess around with school girl during period, get caught red handed.
• Foolish men give wife grand piano. Wise men give wife upright organ.
• Man who drop watch in toilet, have crappy time.
• He who laugh last, not get joke.

Fuck

• “What the fuck was that?” — Mayor of Hiroshima
• “Where did all these fucking Indians come from?” — General Custer
• “Where the fuck is all this water coming from?” — Captain of the Titanic
• “That’s not a real fucking gun.” — John Lennon
• “Who’s gonna fucking find out?” — Richard Nixon
• “Heads are going to fucking roll.” — Anne Boleyn
• “Let the fucking woman drive.” — Commander of Space Shuttle “Challenger”
• “What fucking map?” — Mark Thatcher
• “Any fucking idiot could understand that.” — Albert Einstein
• “It does so fucking look like her!” — Picasso
• “How the fuck did you work that out?” — Pythagoras
• “You want what on the fucking ceiling?” — Michelangelo
• “Fuck a duck.” — Walt Disney
• “Why? Because it’s fucking there!” — Edmund Hilary
• “I don’t suppose it’s gonna fucking rain?” — Joan of Arc
• “Scattered fucking showers my ass.” — Noah

All Funny Lines

• Aim low. So low that no one even cares if you miss. — Marge Simpson
• Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung. — Joseph Addison
• At the end of the day, it’s smokers that keep the hospitals running.
• Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the ‘y’ becomes silent.
• Chicken nuggets ate my homework.
• Don’t die a virgin, or the terrorists in heaven will get you.
• Dumb, dumber, blonde.
• Eat Chinese, Drive Italian, Watch American, Speak Korean, Sleep German, Marry Japanese.
• Eat right. Exercise regularly. Die anyway.
• Eat shit, billions of flies can’t be wrong.
• Everytime man makes something idiot proof, God makes a better idiot.
• Give him a taste of his own semen.
• God is dead — Nietzsche; Nietzsche is dead — God
• Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
• I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
• I cringed so hard that my ass took a bite out of my seat.
• I drink, therefore I’m drunk.
• I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll make an exception. — Groucho Marx
• I read part of it all the way through.
• I rented this movie on Netflix. I put my penis up against the screen while it played and I got a blowjob. This movie SUCKS. — Placenta Pudding, Youtube
• I swear to drunk I’m not God.
• I watched Sucker Punch at home, bad choice. The movie was so bad I walked out of my own house.
• I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
• I worship the quicksand she stands on.
• If I want to see crap, I’ll look in my toilet.
• If you can willingly suspend your disbelief for this film, then you really have no disbelief to suspend.
• If you look closely, you’ll realize that you are closer to the screen.
• If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen. — Meurer
• In congress, no one can hear you scream.
• In the kingdom of the blind, you’re the village idiot.
• It’s a business doing pleasure with you.
• I’m not going anywhere, but neither is this conversation.
• I’m trying to enjoy the vuvuzela concert and some prick keeps playing football. — World Cup 2010
• Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
• Nobody will ever need more than 64K of RAM. — Bill Gates
• Oh, great picture. I didn’t like what I ate for lunch anyway, might as well vomit it out.
• On the internet everyone is batman.
• One man’s wife is another man’s slut.
• People are jealous because all “voices” only talk to me.
• Spare no expense to save money on this one. — Samuel Goldwyn
• Take two aspirin and don’t call me in the morning.
• This movie had me on the edge of my seat, wanting to leave.
• The facepalm I executed could be seen from space.
• The odds are good that the goods are odd.
• The only afterlife is if a necrophiliac gets ahold of you.
• Three ply toilet paper. The greatest thing since sliced bread.
• Waffles are just pancakes with abs.
• Wanna get laid? Just crawl up a chicken’s ass and wait.
• We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
• What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.
• What you don’t like rice? Tell me Michael, how can a billion Chinese people be wrong? — The Lost Boys
• When in Rome, do as many Romans as you can.
• You should wear a goalkeeper jersey to reflect your IQ.
• You’d think if a movie was any good they would have made an American version. — Hank Hill, King of the Hill
• Your face is so oily countries go to war over it.